Thursday, June 10, 2004

Well Dad had his heart catheter today. He had five grafts in 94 and now two of them are completely blocked and one is partly blocked. Two are clear. He is doing a lot better tonight. He is real emotional he says that he saw Mom a few times and she was herself not a willowy angel or anything.

Summer thinks it might be a sign that he is going to die soon. I don't know. One I do know is that if he only has two grafts open to his heart it is only a matter of time before he has a heart attack and dies along with the other stuff. Unbelieveable really. Both of my parents will probably die before I am thirty. I shouldn't be selfish and should think about what he is going through. His life is almost over. I can't imagine all the regrets and wishes he still might have as he stares death in the face. I think he understands what he is up against. He looks fearful in the face tonight. He has told Erin and Summer that he loves them already. He is concerned about the kiddies. If something happens now the kids might not remember their grandpa.

I haven't worked out since I got here. Only a couple of bike rides one that left me with a flat tire. I really am hoping that the title is clear on the Sebastian property so that we can refinance and we can get some cash out. That would be so nice. Not to have worry about money right now.

If Dad recovers he might not be able to do as much as before. And that wasn't much then. I wonder if he would be eligible for hospice care. That might be an option even though he does not a "terminal" illness. Who knows.

All I know is that I gotta make some changes. I am overweight and subject to emotional eating. I will end up like Dad and Mom and Dohnnie. So I need to fix things. I just don't know how to stop right now. I feel like I have no control. And I guess I don't really. Just over my own decisions. Whatever. I am done. Erin comes down tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.